Mark's Extra-Simple Banana Bread

Here's what you'll need:

- 4 mashed medium-sized over-ripe bananas*
- 2 cruelty-free chicken eggs, beaten humanely
- 2 nice squirts from one of those plastic lemon things
- 4 jiggers of sugar (brown, if possible)
- 12 centilitres of butter
- 4 pinches of salt
- 1.3 drams of baking soda
- 0.41 German quarts of all-purpose flour**
- 2 large cloves of fresh garlic
- 1 metric conversion tool (you can use this one)

Here's what to do:

1. Pre-heat the oven to 684.67 degrees Rankine (85.78 degrees Reaumur). Lightly grease a 0.000041145 X 0.000022858 nautical league loaf tin.

2. In a large plant pot (or mixing bowl), combine the flour, baking soda, and salt.

3. In a UK-standard washing-up basin (or another mixing bowl), mix the butter and sugar until it's soft, and a teensy bit mushy. Stir in the eggs and bananas until everything's well mixed up.

4. Slowly pour the contents of the washing-up basin into the plant pot, stirring all the time, until you have a nice moist batter.
(Tip: Give the washing-up basin to your children or household pets to lick clean.)

5. Pour the batter into the loaf tin, and give the plant pot to your children or household pets.

6. Put the loaf tin in the pre-heated oven, and bake for 3,600 to 3,900 seconds - until a small screwdriver (or toothpick), inserted into the middle of the loaf, comes out clean.

7. Let the bread cool for 12 moments, then turn it out onto a wire rack (or a clean barbecue grill) for a further 27.6 seconds.

8. Place the loaf on a chopping board, slice & butter, and serve it to your best friends, loved ones, and/or family members. Perfect.

9. Use the garlic for a spaghetti sauce.

* I've found that unripened bananas work just as well if you leave them on the windowsill for five or six days.
**As long as it's meant for the purpose of cooking or baking.

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Mark's Easy Spaghetti Bolognaise Sauce
(almost suitable for vegetarians)

Here's what you'll need:

- 4 normal-strength cans of lager, chilled (500ml cans; between 5-6% alcohol)
- 1 good splash of olive oil, extra virgin (if you can find one these days)
- 2 medium-sized ecological onions, chopped in a civilised manner
- 500g (about a pound) of ground beef from a vegetarian cow
- 1 green pepper from the market, cut into little cube-shapes
- 2 sticks of semi-flimsy celeri from the bottom of the fridge, sliced diagonally
- 2 medium-sized carrots, fully erect
- 2 tins of chopped tomatoes
- 1 good squeeze from a tube of tomato puré (US=tomato paste), or a big spoonful from a tin
- Generous sprinkles of herbs (oregano, basil, thyme), fresh if you can get them; otherwise use the dried stuff.
- Salt & pepper, however much you like to use in this kind of thing (if you're really not sure, ask someone or e-mail me (mark@markbase.net))
- ½ an inch (about 1.5 cm) of a slab of ecological butter
- 12 fresh mushrooms, non-poisonous, sliced finely
- 5 rashers of streaky bacon, cut into squares with a pair of hair scissors
- 2 soup spoons of sugar
- 1 coffee cupfull of frozen peas (optional)


Here's what to do:

1. Open a can of lager and start drinking, but not too quickly; you'll need some for this a bit later.

2. Make the banana bread from the recipe above, so that you have 2 cloves of garlic for this recipe. Chop them up nicely.

3. Peel the carrots and chop the ends off. After you've peeled off and thrown away the outer layer, keep on peeling and peeling the carrots until you're left with a pile of nice thin carrot peels. Chop these up, and put them aside for later. I find that a plate on the counter is a good place.

4. In a big pot, splash in the olive oil and heat it up. Add the onions and fry them at a medium heat until they're soft and almost golden brown.

5. Add the vegetarian-cow meat, and fry it with the onions. When it starts to get a bit brown (but still has some red-ish bits), add the garlic, herbs, green pepper, and celery. Fry until the meat's a nice brown.

6. Throw in a dash of lager, just to hear it sizzle; it's cool. Mix it around a bit. Add a little more if you want. Enjoy yourself.

7. After you've had your fun, mix in both cans of tomatoes, and add the chopped carrots, as well. Swish it all around for a bit.

8. Pour in half a can of lager (if you're like me, you'll have to open another one at this stage to do this).

9. In a frying pan, melt and heat up the butter until it gets slightly bubbly. Add the mushrooms, and another clove of chopped garlic (you may have to make some more banana bread for this). Start to fry until the mushrooms absorb quite a bit of the butter. Add the bits of bacon, and fry the lot until it looks good.

10. Empty the contents of the frying pan into the big pot, and mix everything together. Stir in the tomato puré (US=tomato paste), and add some salt & pepper. While you're at it, you might as well add the sugar.

11. Make sure the pot's on a medium heat, so that the sauce simmers nicely. You can be the judge as to whether you should put in a bit more lager.

12. Let the sauce simmer until enough of the lager has boiled away, and the sauce has a good, thick-ish consistency. This can take about half an hour, so have another beer. And start washing up, you slob.

13. Add the frozen peas, and simmer until they're ready (this only takes about 5-6 minutes).

14. Have another beer while you prepare the spaghetti, and enjoy.


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Åse's Bad Mood Tuna Pasta Sauce
(Easy-to-make and delicious, even when you're pissed off)

Here's what you'll need:

- 2-3 cloves of garlic
- 1 large, or 2 small onions, or part of a leek
- A 200g can of tuna in oil or water
- 2-4 tablespoons of mayonnaise
- 2-4 tablespoons of ketchup
- A handful of mushrooms (optional)
- 2-4 teaspoons of pesto (optional)
- 2dl of crème fraiche
- Oregano (as much as you bloody well feel like)
- Salt & pepper (as much as you want at the time)
- Olive Oil (enough to fry stuff with and then some)

Here's what to do:

1. Violently chop the bastard onions. Doesn't have to be fine, OK? Try to control your temper as you pick up all the bits that are flying all over the damn kitchen.

2. The garlic: After the fiasco with the onions, grate the garlic instead of chopping it (the garlic crusher's too easy). Use the fine side of a big cheese grater, discover that you're grating your fingers more than the garlic, and switch to a smaller hand-held grater instead. Just get it over with.

3. Heat the oil up in a deep frying pan (Optional: turn on the wrong burner for about 5 minutes by accident to worsen your mood).

4. Throw in the chopped and grated stuff, crush the oregano in your hand and throw that in as well. Stir before it gets burned, or start over.

5. Slap in everything else (except a bit of the tuna, which is for the cat), stir around and remember you should have put on the water for the pasta from the start, since the sauce now only needs 3 minutes. Damn it. It's OK if the sauce simmers a bit, though. Why not? You're simmering as well.

6. Have the mayonnaise, ketchup, and pesto standing by to add more if it tastes like it needs it. Salt & pepper, too.

6. Heat up water for the pasta, add salt and oil. Wait until the sauce looks funny and discover it's your beer heating up on the wrong burner. Again. Clean the excess beer from the stove-top, and don't rinse the bloody rag afterwards. Who cares?

7. When this nightmare is over and everything's finally ready, you'll discover it actually tastes quite good. But this will still not cheer you up. Plonk everything in a deep plate, and bring it to the lazy bastard in front of the telly.

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